At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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