I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
