I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
