Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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