I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
