Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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