you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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