In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
