guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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