tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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