I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
