The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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