the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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