Your mouth is God's brothel.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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