I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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