This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I didn't notice because vodka
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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