I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my sisters under your porch take her home
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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