just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
