i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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