Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
