It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
