Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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