Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish you could order shots online.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
We have so much sex to catch up on
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize