I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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