I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
