Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
