I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
