so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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