Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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