i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think I am morally bankrupt
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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