Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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