bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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