Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
