I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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