Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
where are my eyebrows?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize