Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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