I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
