I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
