i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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