He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
