as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
