Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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