I am puke
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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