I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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