Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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