if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize