I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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