fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
