It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
