I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
