The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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