i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
