I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
