Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
