I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
