I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
