oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
