My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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