You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
