I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
